I once had a commercial customer come to my teller window
for a change order. I was a little confused when,
according to her change order list, she asked for $45
in ten dollar bills along with the other currency. She
argued with me when I told her that was impossible.
After about ten minutes of trying to convince her, I
finally had to count out four bills which she agreed
was $40. I added one more which totaled $50. She
finally believed me.

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I WAS at my bank to make a deposit when the clerk behind
the counter turned to the computer for information. As
she touched a button, a small part suddenly flew off
the machine. All sorts of odd symbols started flashing
across the screen. I heard her gasp, and then she
turned to me in wide-eyed wonder and exclaimed, "It's
swearing at me!"

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WHILE waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a
very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the
teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened.
The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a
computer verification of his account. After a minute
she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said
that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates
that you do not have sufficient funds to cover
this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of
$5000." "It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his
cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

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DURING my first year in mortgage banking, I chose
follow-up as my prime objective and made sure my
clients knew it. On one case, a joint-venture
construction loan that had required hours of
preparation, I was eager to advise my client that I had
finally received a letter of intent. I called his
office only to be told that he had left for the
day. Frustrated, I relaxed by sail-boarding in the
harbor near my home. As I sailed along on I noticed a
large powerboat cruising nearby and was astonished to
discover that the man at the helm was my client.
I tacked close to the cruiser, and waved. Incredulous, he
waved back and slowed the boat. "Just wanted to let you
know I've received a letter of intent," I called
out. The deal was sealed soon afterward. Attached to
the client's agreement was this postscript: "When you
say you follow up on a deal, you really mean it!"

WHEN I became manager of Chase Manhattan Bank's World Trade
Center Branch, I would sometimes assist the staff
in waiting on customers at the service counter.
One day, a young man approached and insisted that I
approve his cheque to be cashed. I explained that we
cash cheques only for our bank's customers. He replied,
"You must be new. Obviously you haven't been
told that everyone knows who I am and always
accommodates me." When I asked him who had approved his
cheques in the past, he pointed to the nameplate
"J. G. Besso" on my desk and said, "Why, the manager,
Mr. Besso, of course." Needless to say, he did not get
his cheque cashed.

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IT WAS the usual busy day at the bank where I work. After a
glance at the line of waiting customers, a
harried-looking man came up to the side counter and
demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address
on my account?" Without missing a beat, the clerk
replied, "You have to move."

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WHEN I worked as a part-time bank teller in college, a
good-looking young man began making almost daily trips
to my window to withdraw or deposit money. I wasn't
sure it was because of me until he presented this note
with his bank book: "Dear J: I've been SAVING this
question in the hope that I might gain some INTEREST.
If free Friday, would you care to DEPOSIT yourself
beside me at a movie? I've taken into ACCOUNT that you
may be previously engaged; if so, I'll WITHDRAW my
offer and hope for Saturday. At any RATE, your company
would be much enjoyed, and I hope you'll not ASSESS
this as too forward. CHECK with you later. Sincerely,
B." I couldn't resist such a charming and
original approach.

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FIRST National Bank of Washington Ill., tried to encourage
business through billboard advertising, but conveyed
quite a different message when the following ad was
displayed: "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."

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ONE day a young man came up to my window at the bank and
whispered, "Please deposit this hundred dollars in my
savings account." I handled the transaction and
whispered back, "Have a good day." He started to leave
but changed his mind. "I'm sorry we have to whisper,"
he said, "but if my car knows I've deposited money,
it'll break down again." With his finger to his lips
he tiptoed out.

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AN INVESTMENT banker I know was sitting in the lobby of a
San Francisco hotel when she saw a familiar face
nearby. She was sure he was a former client or
colleague, so she started walking over to him. Just
then, Henry Kissinger, the former U.S. secretary of
state, strode in and took the seat my friend was
about
to occupy. She was saved. She had planned to
open the conversation with Helmut Schmidt, the former
chancellor of West Germany, by asking: "Didn't
we work together at Chase Manhattan Bank?

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MARTIN BOWEN, president of the Fort Worth First City
National Bank, was seen standing in front of the
automatic teller in the lobby one day while it performed a
transaction rather slowly. After a brief wait, Bowen
was heard to say, "Come on — it's me!"

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AS A free-lance secretary, I type story manuscripts.
When an author pays me, I print the name of the story
across the top of the check. Once when I took a check
to the bank, the teller suddenly froze.
Only after I had explained my procedure to a bank officer did
the reason for the teller's reaction become clear.
The story was called "Your Money or Your Life," and
that, of course, was what I had written in bold letters
across the top of the check.

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THE young woman who entered our bank to cash a check looked
so hesitant that I went to help her. "Please
sign the back of the check," I told her, "as you'd sign
a letter." She looked at me gratefully, scribbled
on the check and passed it to me. Signed on
the back was: "Yours affectionately, Pamela.

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I WAS working as a bank teller in upstate New York, where
I'd recently moved from New England. One day a customer
pulled up to the drive-in window. The
microphone was off, however, and I didn't know what he
was saying. I turned on the mike and, just to let him
know that I hadn't heard him said "Please?" To my
embarrassment, the customer glared at me and said,
"May
I have a pen, PLEASE?

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AT THE bank where I used to work, we tellers were
constantly cautioned either to know the person who
wanted to cash a cheque or to request proper
identification. One time a young man, who minutes
before could produce no ID, returned to my window with
what he considered the perfect identification. Tucked
under his arm was his high-school yearbook opened to
his class picture. I cashed his cheque.

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,
carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must
speak with the president of the bank to open a savings
account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
ushered her into the president's office (the customer
is always right!). The bank president then asked her
how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his
desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by
all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm
surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I
make
bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you
$25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed
the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can
never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my
bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my
balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a
lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me
tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the
president got very nervous about the bet and spent
a long time in front of a mirror checking his
balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He
thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that
there was absolutely no way his balls were square and
that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls
are square!" The president agreed with the bet again
and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president complied. The little old
lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,
"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you
should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging
his head against the wall. The president asked
the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with
your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him
$100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of
Canada's president's balls in my hand.

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THE bank where I work had just installed its first 24 hour
cash machine. I encouraged an elderly gentleman to take
an application for the new plastic identification
cards, explaining that he would be able to get cash any
time of day or night. He declined, saying, "Lady,
anything I'd need money for that late at night I
shouldn't be doing."

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EARLY in her third pregnancy, my neighbor took her two
active preschoolers to the bank with her while she
conducted some rather lengthy business. The bank
teller gave them jelly beans from a candy dish and
began working. All was quiet for a while, but then
the children grew rambunctious. As their mother
struggled to maintain order, she heard the teller say
cheerfully, "Have another one." Too harried to notice
the candy dish in his hand, she wailed, "That's just
the trouble! I'm going to!"

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A FRIEND of mine spent two weeks touring the West with a
Boy Scout troop. They were in a bank cashing checks,
and one boy was having trouble because he had
lost his wallet. He still claimed he had
identification, but he didn't want to show it. The
pretty, young teller insisted, so the Scout leaned
forward and whispered in her ear. She motioned for him
to come behind the counter. My friend, who was tall
enough to see over the counter, saw the blushing boy
tug out his shirt tail, fold his belt over in, back and
then pull up the label on his underwear to show his
name neatly printed there. The teller cashed his
check.

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I WENT to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht.
Making small talk with the loan officer, I told her that

she was the main reason I came to that branch.
Not even looking up from her paperwork, the loan
officer responded, "You don't fool me, sailor.
I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."